Crazy Life

My life basically sucks. It sucks to the highest level and I just hate it.

For the past 4 years I was so used to a life full of errands, activities and pressure cause of school and now its just too calm and normal that sometimes it sucks. I just think that the more idle time you have the more bad you get. This is due to the fact that you have more time to think of crazy and do stupid things.

I am the type of person who has everything mapped out. I kind of started doing this and religiously followed it last year. So almost everything on the list was accomplished on time and then now its like the list suddenly stops and everything just slowed down for me. And I just feel so useless and demotivated.

I haven't seen my brother for 1 year and 4 months and hell that is long considering the relationship that we have cause were super close. Before, he was my number one motivation on why I wanted to go to the US and be there. I just think that its harder to accomplish a goal or a dream if you do it for others more than for yourself. And besides he has a family to take care of and I think that I have to accept that I am not his ultimate priority anymore his family is. Its also difficult to do stuff for others and well try to expect something in return. As much as you want it to be a give and take relationship it hurts when the other person doesn't give as much or goes at the same level with your efforts.

Posting my thoughts here has been like my only avenue to vent out myself. I like being quiet and observant. Some people think of it as a negative trait cause I just try and keep everything to myself. I just always feel that when I do voice out people misinterpret the things I say and I feel that everything is just going to get worse. So I decided to keep everything to myself.

Its weird that I enjoy being alone most of the time. I just feel that I can do more things and I feel like I do not have much load to carry since I only bring with me myself and I can think better.

Right now my dream of going to the US again is like put on hold and that frustrates me. I understand my parents situation and who am I to demand right? Seeing it once was such a beautiful thing. In a way I really got to convince myself of how I want my life to be. In every place I have been and food that I ate I made sure to myself that I would absolutely work hard cause my dream is partially realized. I had a taste of what my life could be in my future.

And now being in this position and situation of feeling stucked and helpless it pains me. All I could think of is to be in this place and it hurts cause everything seems to be indefinite.

I know that part of my plans being on hold or being indefinite has a reason. Hopefully everything will fall in to place sooner or later.